Monday, August 16, 2010

My internal monologue failed.

Ranting and raving have served me well for the past (cough) thirty (cough) something years. I am a very verbal person. I cannot think of very many instances when I have not been able to talk my way through what ever it was I was doing/seeing/facing. I like to talk. I like to jabber. Most days I consider myself to have verbal diarrhea. I talk, it is a fundamental part of who I am.

On occasion I find myself day-dreaming a conversation. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. I try to come up with viable, smart answers to potential questions or statements. Some days this internal monologue is smooth as silk and other times it is a disaster from the get go. Very few days do I ever throw my hands in the air and give up. I find I am able to talk my way through anything with this internal rambling. But my ramblings are failing me these past 4 or 5 days and I am very disturbed by that. What happens when the voice(s) in your head, the ones you rely on (as opposed to the ones you ignore and/or do not acknowledge) to get you through the tough parts of life seem to be failing. I am a little flabbergasted. As opposed to just flubbered, which is when I end up talking in my own language, usually because my mouth and my brain get their wires a little crossed...........................wait, am I starting to sound like a raving loon??? Oh, you are right, I passed that one by a LONG time ago. Sorry to interrupt myself. Anyway, what does one do when their words begin to fail them? Seems like a rhetorical it isn't. I am really lost for answers. Is the internal me on vacation? Lord knows the external me could use one. A really long vacation on a sandy beach, where it is warm a but not too hot, the humidity is not doing anything bizarre-o to my naturally curly hair. I have my hubby in the chair next to me holding my hand and we are watching the kids build a sand castle. Does that seem like so much to ask? Of course it is. Since when did I get to move to the fairy land that holds that dream. I live in the land of the responsible adult. Where I am inclined to pay my bills, take my children to school and be an honest and good person. Even the good person part is failing me. I have been thinking about bad things happening to bad people. And while that may not seem too much, after all it is only a dream, it is not the person I wish to be. I want to be a good person, I want to overcome the nastiness the world has out there, and it bothers me that I feel like I am failing. Maybe there is just too much on my plate. Maybe I am not the person I thought I was. Maybe I just wish for a change that my husband and I could be the ones to catch a break. And yet, we are not. My inner self, clearly doesn't know how to deal this time. We have already conquered so much. We (the husband and I...not my multiple personalities) do our very best to be good people, to raise good little people. To show them that the world is what they make of what am I doing wrong? Besides throwing myself this GIANT pity party! I am not sure. I guess it is time for some major soul searching. Wish me luck.

1 comment:

  1. You can get a lot closer to dreamland with perscription narcotics...or vodka....I've heard.