Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Good Grief

I think I must be failing as a mother and wife. I have no desire to clean up after everyone in this house. I do not wake up every morning and wonder which disaster I will be able to get to clean up today. I will probably scream if one more person tells me that it wasn't them. Well for h#ll sakes it sure wasn't me, but I am the one cleaning it all up.

Clearly I am in need of a new teaching tool. Asking falls flat. Yelling just pisses me off more. And threatening any and or all of them is a waste of my breath.

I mean really if you trip over something, pick it up and put it away. Don't look at it and shrug. It will not be moving on its own. If there is a nicely laid out stack of fresh laundry on the bed, hang it up or put it in the drawer instead of moving it to another location. I mean hello! If I could not get it put away the first time what in the world makes you think I desire to touch it 50 more times. Is it so much to ask that you hang up a jacket and not throw it on the railing and then ask me where it went. Because all that makes me want to do is light the jacket (and maybe you) on fire.

So why I ask you, does this make me doubt my abilities? Because there is one of two (okay maybe both) things happening here. I am doing way to much for your lazy a$$es or I have not made it clear what I expect out of you. So I guess that is going to be changing. There are going to be new rules in this house. And I have a feeling it is going to get UGLY! pretty darn fast.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Getting Horizontal

Oh get your minds out of the gutter. Its nothing like that. Though not even I would put it past me to post about THAT. This is not it. If you are disappointed, I am concerned. I have a disease, it is passed in my family line. Don't believe me, ask Maimy she will agree. If I see a flat surface, I will stack on it, and not just mildly. I will stack me a good pile. I try so very hard to control my urges, when I do finally get things mostly under control, which I try to do, like, ya know, every freakin' day, it never fails that someone (husband or child, or okay ME) will mess the whole thing up. My husband hates our kitchen island. And really so do I. I hate that it seems to always be stacked with any and everything. Toys, papers, cereal boxes, bread. You name it, I can probably find it for you on the island. It is a constant source of shame and really, anger. I love our house. I HATE!! my kitchen. HATE I tell you. I have since the day we bought the house. We bought the house with the intentions of remodeling the kitchen in the first 5 years. Well since we will have been in our house for 6 years this November, it is safe to say we have beyond missed our deadline. I am going to continue telling myself.....soon, one day soon!! Over the years I have learned that this stacking problem can be controlled better when everything has a place that it lives. That would be the fundamental problem with my kitchen. For someone who loves to cook, and has all the toys to go with that, I have the worst kitchen ever. I have a great kitchen for my mother-in-law, who bless her heart, would rather eat out than cook. I do not have a kitchen for someone who wants to spend hours creating a perfect cake or 6 part dinner. I have nearly zero counter space and what I have pretty much has all the stuff on it that I do not have any cupboard space for. It just is crap. We knew it, but we loved the rest of the house. So maybe one day a kitchen remodel and a dream of non-stacked counters.......Ah, hell, who am I kidding, I will always stack on a flat surface. Do they have an AA program for that.....Stackers Anonymous. Sign me up.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

People sing about it, write about it, and Lord knows there are a lot of people out there who try to DEMAND it. But respect is one of those things that is not concrete. And certainly not demandable. In fact, I find that those who are demanding it, are usually the least deserving of it. I think we have all heard the saying "respect must be earned" and in a lot of ways I believe that to be true. I have been struggling with this lately. The theory of respect and what people do and do not do to gain or deserve it. My feelings and my guts tell me that respect is something that your earn from others. Not something you walk up and demand. In my book that pretty much says you have nothing to offer. That is the situation I am dealing with now. A woman, who thinks she is all that and a bag of chips and you WILL give her the respect she deserves. Problem is she doesn't deserve squat. Nada. Nothing. Granted she has a title, but like I care, and to be honest, it ain't a great title. You have done nothing to prove to me that you are capable of doing your job, or that you are even a decent human being (in fact, you have done nothing but prove the exact opposite). So the question stands...........must you respect someone based solely on title alone? Clearly THEY think they are hot sh^t. But, so what. I guess that I am from the actions speak louder than words camp. Perhaps the problem is that I am living during a time when hard work doesn't mean much. Seems that the a$$holes are the ones that not only getting ahead, but are also stomping on those who actually get the job done. While said holes take all the credit. I find it beyond unnerving. In a lot of ways it makes me feel betrayed. The odd part there, is I am not sure by whom. Clearly by the individual, but also in a lot of ways by society. After all, as a group we must in some way be allowing this to occur, by the default, that we are not putting a stop to it. So then, how do we stop it? And begin to have a true respect, that is truly deserved.

Monday, August 16, 2010

My internal monologue failed.

Ranting and raving have served me well for the past (cough) thirty (cough) something years. I am a very verbal person. I cannot think of very many instances when I have not been able to talk my way through what ever it was I was doing/seeing/facing. I like to talk. I like to jabber. Most days I consider myself to have verbal diarrhea. I talk, it is a fundamental part of who I am.

On occasion I find myself day-dreaming a conversation. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. I try to come up with viable, smart answers to potential questions or statements. Some days this internal monologue is smooth as silk and other times it is a disaster from the get go. Very few days do I ever throw my hands in the air and give up. I find I am able to talk my way through anything with this internal rambling. But my ramblings are failing me these past 4 or 5 days and I am very disturbed by that. What happens when the voice(s) in your head, the ones you rely on (as opposed to the ones you ignore and/or do not acknowledge) to get you through the tough parts of life seem to be failing. I am a little flabbergasted. As opposed to just flubbered, which is when I end up talking in my own language, usually because my mouth and my brain get their wires a little crossed...........................wait, am I starting to sound like a raving loon??? Oh, you are right, I passed that one by a LONG time ago. Sorry to interrupt myself. Anyway, what does one do when their words begin to fail them? Seems like a rhetorical question.........today it isn't. I am really lost for answers. Is the internal me on vacation? Lord knows the external me could use one. A really long vacation on a sandy beach, where it is warm a but not too hot, the humidity is not doing anything bizarre-o to my naturally curly hair. I have my hubby in the chair next to me holding my hand and we are watching the kids build a sand castle. Does that seem like so much to ask? Of course it is. Since when did I get to move to the fairy land that holds that dream. I live in the land of the responsible adult. Where I am inclined to pay my bills, take my children to school and be an honest and good person. Even the good person part is failing me. I have been thinking about bad things happening to bad people. And while that may not seem too much, after all it is only a dream, it is not the person I wish to be. I want to be a good person, I want to overcome the nastiness the world has out there, and it bothers me that I feel like I am failing. Maybe there is just too much on my plate. Maybe I am not the person I thought I was. Maybe I just wish for a change that my husband and I could be the ones to catch a break. And yet, we are not. My inner self, clearly doesn't know how to deal this time. We have already conquered so much. We (the husband and I...not my multiple personalities) do our very best to be good people, to raise good little people. To show them that the world is what they make of it............so what am I doing wrong? Besides throwing myself this GIANT pity party! I am not sure. I guess it is time for some major soul searching. Wish me luck.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

I wasn't going to be THAT mom.....

Now that is a loaded title, that could be ended in about a million different ways, but today it pertains to food. More specifically, that I would never be the mom who hid the kids veggies in their meal. A couple of years ago, The Sneaky Chef book came out. It is a recipe book about sneaking veggies into your kids meals, while they chow down none the wiser. At the time my now kindergartener was 2 or 3 and would eat veggies and fruits happily. I was a little high on my horse. Needless to say, nowadays I am eating my words, and trying to figure out how to make him eat his veggies. Never imagined that a day would come when I was literally begging, threatening, and/or screaming about eating something green. Safe to say that was way back before he uttered the famous words "I am not eating that, it is green. I do not eat green things." Grrrrr. Now as we are all well aware there is plenty of advise out there for dealing with this kind of stubborn. I generally subscribe to picking my battles, and you MUST have some of everything on your plate, and you must taste everything once. I laugh my a&& off at the nutrishionistas that say "put it on their plate 10 times and they will eat it" ha, you have never met my kid. He has a gag reflex that is beyond high. I have been the victim of his vomit pyrotechnics on more than one occasion and it hardly matters where he is, at home or out at a restaurant. I hate to be hurled on!!!! So, where does that leave me? I have a 2 year old who loves salad, and a 5 year old that makes faces at it. Right now on the stove, there is a nice big pan of zucchini tacos. The kids think they are having regular tacos, I smuggled in the veggies. Damn it, I think I lost this battle.

Friday, July 9, 2010

A great Debate (and my 2 cents on the subject)

Yesterday I was fortunate enough to escape for an hour and go get a little pedi action! Aaaahh! Such simple joy. Lovely. So as I sit, my feet in warm swirling, bubbling water, I picked up a wrinkled copy of Cosmo or Redbook or whatever the h*ll it was and flipped thru. I was picking my way through reading the articles I found interesting when I happened across one on breastfeeding. And to my utter shock and delight it was not pro breast. Having been one of those moms who had trouble nursing, I am always bugged when the breast is best people go nuts and guilt people who do not nurse. Now I am not arguing the benefits to nursing. In fact I say if you CAN nurse, there is no better way to go. What I am bugged by are the nazi breastfeeding folks. The ones who look at you like you are neglecting your child when you do not or cannot nurse. I have said on more than one occasion that nursing may be natural, but it does not come naturally. For a lot of women it is one of the most difficult things about pregnancy and birth. I know that it was really hard for me both times. I just didn't seem to produce enough milk, and after 6 months I was pretty much dried out and my kid was hungry. I learned with my oldest that it was awesome to have a kid who would both nurse and take a bottle. I was lucky to learn that early on, of course the reason that I learned that was not so awesome, but still a good lesson. Before the boy could leave the NICU he had to take at least 24 hours straight of feedings by mouth, and since I could not be at the hospital for 24 hours straight, I just let them do the bottle. Tada, a baby who will nurse and take a bottle. So I was ready with the girl child and started her on bottles shortly after birth too. I had seen the women who were tied to their children 24/7 and more power to ya, but no thanks!!! I loved being able to go to dinner and a movie and not have to take baby too. And really while breastfeeding is cheaper, all the health benefits they swear by are NOT completely true. My daughter was straight breast milk for her first 6-7 months. She had her first ear infection at just about 4 months and continued on with them until she got tubes at 17 months. So much for the no ear infections theory. At our house that also stands true for the supposed lack of GI issues, allergies and that babies are sick less. I firmly believe that the bottom line is this........whatever works best for you and your child is what you should do. There is no harm is formula feeding a child. Nor is there anything wrong with breastfeeding. It is a very personal and individual decision. And the simple fact that it has become so extreme is very disturbing to me. In no way should anyone guilt a new mother. There is enough going on, and there is no way that you can be privy to all that mother's issues. I am proud to say that I tried and according to all the crazies out there, failed at breastfeeding! And if that means I have some insight into the difficulties into this issue, and I can make some other woman life easier, go me! By the way, the lady in the article gave up breastfeeding after her 3rd run of rock hard mastitis in 8 weeks. She switched to formula and she regained her health and sanity. Good for her!

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Whirlwind!!

We had the stomach flu 'round here last week. Combine that with all the rest that June has brought us, and I am pooped. Last week, quite literally. (Oh, come on, you knew I could not resist a good poop joke.) We had 3 weddings this month. Including the brother-in-law. That was the biggie, with no less than three of our family of four in the bridal party. Going, going, gone! But we are glad the newlyweds, are just that. Honeymooned and settled. Good luck and good riddance........to all the wedding details that were somehow more involved than my own. And on that side of the track, sweet Hubby and I celebrate our TEN year anniversary in May. Wowzer, ten years of us. Married. I knew we were good, but wow. Ten. Ya for us. One day I might admit to how long we have been together, not just married. Still Ya for us! I keep thinking I will wake up one morning and things will slow down, and I will be able to get a grip on all the is going on around me, and I will just sit back and watch it all happen for just one day. And then I get up, get my cup of coffee, and make it to the couch just in time for my sister-in-law to drop off her two and drop the bomb that they are walking! On their own. So much for taking it all in, I am now wrangling one year old twins! Who not only walk, but can climb stairs. And while I do not want to miss one second of them, or of my own two. I still want to sit back and take it all in. So I booked a flight to Vegas with my 2 best friends. Best friend #3 is having a baby soon, and cannot make this trip. Next year, Longy, next year, I swear. So soon, but not soon enough, I will take Shorty, and Skinny and Myself and jump on a plane and jet away for a few days of mommy rejuvenation. I am literally counting the days. And on one of those days, I am going to sit my ass by the pool with a good book and a notepad. So I can jot down the random thoughts of my sweet kiddies that pop into my head. And get lost in the book, because I can! But first, Hubby will be off to see if he can catch us some fish we will not eat. But he works hard for us. Really hard, and he deserves a break too. So off to the great white North to commune with nature. And his dad and brother and Conquedoor.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Adults Only

Get your mind out of the gutter! This is not going to be about what you think! I was flipping through MSN.com today and read about this Justin Beiber kid getting kicked out of the adults only section of a movie theater, after he sneaked down to the section, and then once he was removed, he was heard to be pouting about not being allowed there. First of all kid, you are 16. You are NOT an adult. Therefore you are NOT going to be allowed into an adults only section. Period. Congratulations, on being famous. Now figure this out. No one in the real world gives a flying fart in space. And none of us think this should afford you any special rights or privileges. Believe it or not, there are adults who want to spend time going place stupid, whiny teenie boppers are not allowed. Yep, that right. I am telling you straight up, that sometimes we just don't want to deal with you. And as evidenced by your whining, you clearly are not an adult. Not soley based on the whining, but by the whole event. Also, you little turd, in case you were wondering, there are these things called laws, and though I am not sure of the legalese in the area to which the theater is located, it is truly possible that the theater could be in trouble for your twit headed actions. And I am sure that the manager likes being employed and hardly is willing to loose their livelihood for some zit faced kid. Famous or not.

One night a week my husband and I try to get away for date night. It is usually a slower night, one in which we can LEAVE the kids with one of their sets of grandparents, and we can go , eat our own food, and have a reasonable conversation. These nights are important to us and usually we do not go to the likes of what I would consider family restaurants. We save those for the days when we have the kids with us. So I do get a little snarky when they try to seat us next to a table of children, and on more than one occasion I have not accepted a table based on that fact alone. For some grown ups, especially parents, getting out is an occasion. Whether it once a week or once a month, it is time for us to be grown ups and not have to deal with kids. Be them 2 or 17. I think this is why I am so irritated with the child and his behavior. You can argue with me all you want, but he is a kid. Famous or not a KID. Not an adult. And good grief, if I was the parent of a child who wanted your next single my response would be HELL NO! I refuse to add to your arrogance. So until you are 21 dear Justin, keep your hiney where it belongs, and that is NOT in the adults only area!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Return to Sender

I was blog stalking today....(get off my back, at least I admit it)....I came across a conversation on the woman in Tennessee who sent her adopted child back to Russia on a one way ticket with a note pinned to his jacket. I had heard about this a few weeks back and have had sometime to ponder this one.

One of my very best friends has a daughter just about to turn 6. She is a gem of a child. I frequently refer to her as my "other" daughter. This sweet little muchkin was born from another set of people, but she without a doubt is Shorty's daughter. And perhaps that is becasue she has never been looked at any other way. Shorty and her husband have always regarded Magoo as theirs. Yes, it took other people to concieve and carry her, but she is THEIRS, and no one elses. I am sure even on the most difficult of days they would not dream of sending her back. I find it amazing that this woman would send this poor boy back. Did she really expect sunshine and butterflies and angels singing in the background? He has spent his whole life in an orphanage. He was counting on his mother to help him, teach him, love him. She did none of those things. I have two children. Despite days when I have threatened to send them back from where they came (on their father not on me!!!) I would never leave them, or let them go. How can you make a commitment to that child, whether by birth or adoption and decide it is too hard? I get angry when I hear that. That it is just too hard. Giving up is not an option. This is a child we are talking about. You do everything you can to care for them, you do not throw your hands in the air and run away. If you cannot give them the help they need, you find the person who can!

Along those lines, I have another friend whose daughter has need extra attention since she was about 6 months old, she will be 2 in July. They have spent many hours in therapy and at doctors appointments and in the hospital. In fact she had major surgery yesterday. Her mother never leaves her side. She takes care of her in the middle of the night, and has had to learn to do things medically that I am sure she would never have dreamed she would be doing, especially for her own child. And despite the huge amounts of stress and the never ending care her daughter requires, when I get an email update, all that she can say is how greatful she is to be Petunia's mom. That is what being a parent is all about. It is not about the good times, it is about all those other times. The big, nasty, ugly, times. When we shake our heads and ring our hands, with worry and/or dispare. Those are truly the times when we are parents. There is no trial run with children. You cannot return them to sender. You cannot ship them back. They are a gift you are given.

If you cannot fully commit to such a process DO NOT EVEN START. Whether by birth or adoption. I love every day with my kids. I love them when they make me crazy. I love them when they are sweet. And I love them when they make me scream. I know all about not judging a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes, but in this situation it is so hard not to do just that. I think this woman was having a love affair with the notion of being a mom, and trust me, this is one hell of a job. For every amazing day there is at least one, ususally two when I would like to shove and ice pick in my eye. It is the most thankless and amazing job I have ever had. For those who have grand illusions of hugs and kisses and Disneyland, you probably ought to be aware of the day(s) when all you hear is "I want Daddy!" "Leave me alone!" "You are so mean!" and a slew of other things that have at one time or another come flying out of a child's mouth. Being a parent means the good and the bad. And if necessary the professional help to get everyone where they need to be. Sending a child back is not an option in my world.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Running

No secret I am not a toothpick. Never have been and never will be. I enjoy working out, dancing, being on the go, but rarely seem to have the time or the energy once I am finished being mom. Recently it seems, lots of my friends have started running. For fun. I really do not understand that. I cannot recall a time when I enjoyed running. In fact, I think running should be saved for those times when it is absolutely necessary. Like perhaps saving your child or trying to get away from a man with a knife. You know, really important times. It has been an adventure to "watch" my friends run. I usually learn of their trials through blogs and verbal stories. And to be honest, about half of them have ended in injury and pain. Is it because we are not so young anymore? (I am not about to say we are OLD! Seriously were you waiting for that?) I am really not sure. But this seems to be true, at least for my group of friends, none of their knees are willing to cooperate. At least one girl (or is it woman) has crashed hard, and the other told me a tale that involved at least one trip to the doctor. Ouch! That doesn't sound like fun to me at all. I admire you, my running friends, but I hardly expect to be found among your ranks. So maybe do a lap for me, and if you need a cheering section, give me a call. I am really good at that!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Light Bulb

Every have one of those days when it dawns on you (with the swing of a sledgehammer) that you have just seen someones true colors, and you cannot stand what you see (or saw, as the case maybe)? Had that happen recently, and after being left nearly speechless (shocking, I know) and having some time to ponder over what had happened and talk to the hubs about it, I got angry. Angry that someone would be so nasty. Angry that someone would make it so clear that they were looking down their nose at someone/something. Made some future decisions easy for me, which I think was a good thing, considering that I was kinda waffling on my resolve! Now, no more waffling, no more wondering if I had made the right decision. I am confident. I am strong. And I hope that I am never that person.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Adam and Eve

I just wanted to let you know I have figured out what happened in the Garden with that Tree. Eve was having a wicked case of PMS and craving something sweet, as we all understand, and her craving got the best of her, and she totally lost it and ate the damn fruit. Now I am not telling you because I think what she did was right. More because I think we have all very nearly been there and done that. So for now my friends, my bag of salt and vinegar potato chips is empty and I need another pepsi. I'm outta here!

Friday, March 19, 2010

How Safe Is Your Garage?

So a while back on my family blog I jumped up on my soapbox about how just because your car is in your garage, that does not mean that your stuff is safe. I made the original post after reading a blog post about a woman whose car was stole with the mother lode inside. Keys, purse, camera, ipod, etc. I found it crazy that anyone would leave their keys in their car when they are not driving. I then discovered that a number of people I know did the same thing. Wow! And this week, another friend of mine had her purse stolen out of her car that was parked in her garage. Ohmyhell! Stop leaving your crap in your car! Even if it is in the garage and the door is closed. You are asking for trouble! And I do not even want to imagine how much work it is to go through the whole process of replacing everything in my purse. I am not trying to lecture that I am better than you, just trying to get the word out that YOUR GARAGE IS NOT AS SAFE AS YOU THINK IT IS!!! Don't make it easy for the crooks. Don't make it worth their while. And good hell, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CRAP IN YOUR CAR!! And sad as it is, it is not safe. You are not saving yourself anything in the long run. Wait, I take that back, you will be saving yourself the hassle and time of trying to clear your good name and replace all of your stuff!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Personal Responsibility

Well that is a loaded title don't ya think? My cutie sister-in-law and I were chatting this morning when she dropped off her boys, she told me one of her friends is going through some learning process thingy in which you learn to hold responsible the people in your life who have done you wrong. Wholly crap really? That sounds like a scam to me. Take your life and assign blame to those who you feel have made it bad? Seriously? Sounds like crap to me, and I think that I have a bit of a chance to spout on this. I am a child of divorce. Have been for most of my life. My Mom got divorced when I was 4 or 5. I vaguely remember my father, before he ran off to start his new life off in la-la land. He had been having an affair (at least one) and from what I understand from family he married her. Not really the point. More to the point is the fact that the last time I saw him I was 12, I think. And that was for 20 minutes in the driveway of our house. Over the years I have realized, that the divorce, like many other things in my life, was neither my fault nor anything I could control. I cannot control the fact that my father was and is a complete and utter failure as a human being. I feel that is safe to say considering he rarely, if ever paid his child support and that in the past 20 years he has never contacted me. Not that I am inviting him to, he chose to not be a part of my life and I do not wish to add him to the mix, ever. There is such a thing as too little too late, and we have sailed passed that line a long time ago. But, and the big but here, is that I do not hold him responsible for my life. If anything I am glad my mom stood up for herself and her children and said that his behavior was not acceptable, nor would it ever be. I figure that I live my life in spite of his actions. I am a strong, happily married woman. I have 2 children I would not ever willingly leave. I have a husband who is amazing. And I do not think that has anything to do with my sperm donor of a father. If there is one thing I have learned it is perseverance and being accountable for ones own actions. I probably sound bitter. Probably am, at least a bit. And alot of that has to so with the fact that I am now a mom myself. I have 2 beautiful children, and cannot imagine for the life of me, what could matter more than them. Every choice I make reflects on them in some way. And I want my munchkins to be proud of me, like I am of my mom. I want them to realize that I made tough choices, undoubtedly some wrong choices, but all the same that I did it because I really thought it was the right thing to do. And I want to show them that I run my life. No one can be responsible for how I feel but me. That is not to say that I am made of steel and that I have no feelings. I am, in fact, quick to cry and easily hurt and maybe a little on the slow to trust side of things. But I want them to know that they have choices in life too. They do not have to value themselves based on someone else's ridiculous notion of what should or should not be. My own father did not think I was worth getting to know. That is fine with me, I bet I can find you 10 people who think otherwise. And that is what really matters. So as for this notion that you have to confront the people who have wronged you to make things right.....uhm get real. Why are you giving your power to that person so they can wrong you again? Why don't you just own your actions, own your feelings and realize that everyday is a new day and that you are the one who decides what that day will be. Maybe apply a little "golden rule" to your ever day. I firmly believe that my life is mine to live. I try to own my actions. I try to make sure that I hold my head high no matter what the situation. I am my own person and I take responsibility for myself. Can you say the same thing?

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Reality Check

I love when something comes a long and puts things in perspective for me. I think the good Lord knows when I need a reality check. And despite all that is whirling around me, TADA...it was on the Olympics last night.

Things around here lately have left me, let's say flustered. I am unable to focus. I have yet to accomplish anything I have started in the past week or so. Mostly because I have had a problem with the wandering mind. I have taken my Aunt's surgery much harder this time, than I did 18 months ago. I am edgy and easily irritated! So to catch the story of Joannie Rochette on last nights late news and Olympics replay, I had to fell a little guilty and a lot in awe of this amazing individual. I am sure she has been aiming for the Olympics forever. You don't just end up at the Olympics. Especially in Figure Skating. I think it may be one of the most cut-throat events there. So I realize that she must have been training for years. And then, just as you reach your moment, your time, you loose your mom. My heart breaks for her. And I am in awe that she can keep it all together and keep going. I imagine you would find me in a puddle on the floor. I needed her story to put all my crap in perspective. I needed her to show me(through the television) that you do what you have to do. Keep going and do what you came to do. After all, everyone in my life is okay. My Aunt pulled through her surgery with flying colors. My brother-in-law, despite a run of what I am calling BAD luck will be fine. I have no reason to stop functioning. Despite a wild desire to do so. I have been dealt bigger blows than this, and have pulled through, so why I ask myself is everything so much harder for me now. I think there are a few reason, some of which I am not willing to discuss in a public forum, and other that I am like, this one. I think one of the reasons things are more difficult for me to process now, is because I have kids. I am not blaming them , quite the contrary. I have to really look at things completely differently and break it down into the most basic of terms and emotions to be able to make sure that my overly analytical 5 year old and sweet 2 year old can understand them. I find myself, as I am sure most parents do, trying to take the load off them, and carry as much of it as I can, so that they have a chance to be kids and just enjoy their little lives. This is especially true of N. He is a big softie. He takes things very personal. I have had to sit down with him and explain that I may not like a behavior, but I always love him. And that talk happened when he was like 4ish. He cannot imagine that someone would try to hurt another person, it is entirely foreign to him. I want him to grow up to be strong, but also not to loose his gentleness. His inate abilily to understand others feelings and empathize with them. I think that may be one of his greatest gifts. But it can put his parents in a rough spot. He really wants to know why people do bad/weird things.......and I cannot offer an explanation for that! I wish I could.
So thank you to a brave and stoic Canadian woman who helped me to realize that I am so fortunate, and that no matter what I think I cannot handle, there is always something worse, and that put everything in perspective for me.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Emotionally Cooked

I am done. I am tired. I have a head cold. And I cannot endure one more minute at a hospital. While were in California a few weeks back my mom's oldest sister got sick. She had heart valve replacement surgery back in July of 2008. She recovered amazingly well. Better than we ever anticipated that she would. It was awesome. But she had a mini-stroke, out of the blue, and since she is on medication that really should basically prevent that from happening, it was a major concern for me. We got her into her doctor and they discovered that she needed the valve replaced. Again! And it was crappy! She had that surgery today, and I have been to see her and make sure she is okay. But I am really tired. Emotionally I am fried. I have taken this surgery a lot harder than I took the last one. I think my cousin put it best when she said that last time (in 2008) she was sooooooo very sick that we were all just feeling amazed that we got her back. This time she was not sick per-say. She looked great and was feeling pretty darn good. She was not having any symptoms that she was getting ill. I think that is a major reason why it was so hard for me. Combine that with the fact that my brother-in-law had surgery last week and that I have the tail end of a head cold from hell, I am just done. I think I could crawl into bed right now, and not wake up for a day or 2. Uhm, except for the fact that I have 2 kids who would NEVER allow that to happen.
So I guess what they say is true, even the toughest cookies crack at some point. I am ready to slow things down. The past year has been one big huge emotional hurdle after another, and I just don't know how much more I can take, before I am a bumbling, boobing, soppy, soggy heap on the floor. Thank heavens for a fantastic family who keep me going (even when I have no desire to do so), a husband who 14 years later is finally figuring me out............I think he has a road map and copious notes, and has actually been able to anticipate what I need before I can find the words to say it. He is amazing. I am so lucky to have him. And now, maybe a good long nap. HA!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Great School Debate (in my head).

My 5 year old is going to be heading to school in the fall. Well, to be fair he is heading to kindergarten, he has spent the last 2 years at an amazing preschool, which has been fantastic. The problem is that the preschool is so good, I think N is going to be beyond bored at kindergarten. He has been learning to read through a great phonics program. He can identify all the letters and their sounds. He can write his first and last name and also his nickname. Currently he is working on learning to write his letters up to 20, and is cruising through the process. Needless to say he knows his colors, shapes, months and day of the week. I am afraid he is going to be WAY under challenged in "real" school. He is reading well, and will be on to the 2 vowel books in the next week or 2. So here is my dilemma.......what do I do? I am planning on enrolling him in public school and sending him to the kindergarten enhancement program that the preschool he is currently at offers. I am so afraid of loosing his love of learning. N loves to be challenged and to learn new things. He loves to try something new and to be proud of himself when he masters a concept, which to be fair (okay and maybe brag a bit) he does quickly. I know of a charter school here locally that I can try to get him into, but am unsure of their processes. I am planning on private school for 1st grade, the only reason I am steering clear of it his year is that it is all day kindergarten and I do not care for that. As an added issue for kindergarten, is the whole year round schedule thing, which I am so not accustomed to. I am feeling really confused and torn. I want to do what is best for the bug-bite. But what is that? This is one of those moments when being a parent is not a lot of fun. I feel like I could screw up his whole future if I make the wrong choice. So ya know, no pressure or anything!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Binky

My precious 2 year old little girl still has her binky. I hate that she has it, but am not looking forward to the whole process of taking it away. And with her it is going to be a process. You see A, is a bit too much like her momma. Stubborn, independent and fierce. She can out cry, out scream and stare you down. At the ripe old age of 2 she has that super hairy evil eye down! And a guilt trip like you cannot imagine! I am hoping that by telling her that we are giving them to my girlfriend who is pregnant, that we can con her out of them, but maybe not. You see I got the wild idea to snip the tip off one today. I figured maybe if it was "broko" she would not want it. I WAS WRONG! So very wrong. She screamed........fully bloody murder screamed, for almost an hour before we were able to stear her to a new subject. Dear Lord, please bring me strength. I created this monster (the binky problem, not the child {okay yes, I made the child too, but that is not the monster to which I am refering in this instance}) and I am going to be needing some guidance to get myself through. Just wanted to let you know, in case you hear the screaming all the way up there! Thanks....JM

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Grouchy!

I am feeling grouchy. Bitchy. Mean. I want to yell and scream and stomp my feet, and I would except that it would make my feet hurt and then I would be even MORE grouchy and that would lead to my brain oozing out my left ear. And that would be BAD!!! What is even more annoying is that there is no one particular thing that is making me feel this way. If there were, I could take care of said thing and remedy this whole nasty mess, but no, no one thing can be done to fix this mess. This fine freaking mess. Now to be fair, I consider myself a proactive person. I truly feel that you are the one who can change your circumstances. I feel that you can choose, within reason, how you are going to view your day, your world, your life. And I believe that you have the full power to change those same things. And I think that is part of what is making me so damn grouchy. I know what I want to say and do, but then again I also know how those things will be taken, and needless to say, I will be the bad guy. What I have to say, most likely will be considered overly harsh and completely unnecessary. I say it will be the truth, but because the individuals I would like to say these things to are so tiny/tender/precious.....GAG! I would just be the big meanie. Has it ever occurred to anyone that maybe it might be more cruel to let these poor souls (trying to be kind here) wander around out there in the big bad world without a clue. I certainly do not presume to think I can change their minds, but I do think that information, no matter that it might seem to be overly harsh, is sometimes much kinder than how it seems. So I will now go take a deep breath and think calming thoughts. But since I have been doing that for a few days now and to no avail, I guess I better go find a better way. And that really sucks! I am so tired of walking on eggshells!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Are You Kidding?

I wrote this a while back on my family blog, but I am re-posting it here. And yes, I do still fell this way.

We have been planning a trip to Disneyland for about 6 months now. And the day is dawning fairly soon when we will board our plan and fly out of our muck and into the muck of Southern California. In final preparations for our trip, I purchased our tickets to mouseland. I was excited. I get an awesome deal. I mean steal of a deal! It was great. I decided to whip out my (said credit card) that I had not used in nearly a YEAR! I bought my tickets, got my confirmation from the mouse and was feeling pretty good. The I got another email. This one from (said credit card), telling me they had lowered my line of credit by a huge chunk! I admit to carrying a balance, but I have NEVER had a late payment or missed a payment. I bought my tickets online, and I try very hard to not use my checking account credit card when making online purchases. I would prefer if someone were to hack my information that they not have my main account info. I would really prefer my account not to be hacked at all, but I can watch my (said credit card) far more closely because we do not use it all that often. Anyway, it took (said credit card) less than 30 minutes to send me that email from the moment of my purchase. I am so not impressed. My balance has had the majority of the lowered balance available for over a year and certainly for the past 6 months, and now they choose to smack me. Something is fishy, and my (said credit card) will be payed off ASAP and left to sit in a drawer. I will not support a company that does not support me. I don't care if you are a grocery store, credit card company or car care center, if you treat me like crap, I will not grace you with my $$ or my time. That you can be sure of, maybe if we start by putting our collective foot down and not putting up with this crap, we will be not only better off financially, but also it is a tiny moral victory! Maybe then these mega-corporations will learn that they should be taking care of their customers more and their CEO's a little less.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Pee'd Off!

oh, it's a good one to start these rantings off on the right foot. And no it is not a typo. I was pee'd off not tee'd off. It is Sunday, some may consider that a day of rest, but for me, it can be my bust my hump and start the week off on the right foot day. Today has been that day. Grocery list made and ready to hit the store as soon as my mom gets here so I can go solo. Have I told you I love my mom.....I do, LOTS! Along those lines, the menu for the week is also ready. Along with a new recipe for Vanilla Pudding Cinnamon Rolls, I am so excited to try these. I will post them on my recipe blog after I make them and can tell you about them in detail. So on to the cleaning. My kitchen floor was in need of a good steam, so I got to it. Swept the whole thing and steam mopped it. Done and Dandy. Then I thought, rather foolishly, since I have this steam mop out, why not tackle the tiny little water closet (read potty room) in the master bath. The room itself literally only holds the toilet, I cannot even stand in it and open my arms all the way, but that "room" is the bain of my existence. It is gets used alot. Even by the small people in this house. And despite my call that bathrooms are to be cleaned by those who pee ON then and not in them, I find that I am the one cleaning them lately. So, since I had the steam mop out and could not stand the closet anymore, I got to work. And it was as nasty as I anticipated. Gross is not enough! There was pee every where, in the usual places of course,but also in places I could only imagine. I do not know how 2 people (the husband and the son) can get it everywhere! It was down the front of the toilet and running down the sides and back. But it was also ALL over the floor and even splattered on the garbage can and the floor boards, I wish I could have just used a garden hose to clean the whole thing down. But I got the job done thanks to a roll of paper towels, box of baby wipes and some really good smelling method bathroom cleaner. Really guys, if you cannot get it in the water, sit the hell down. Next time I am going to use your tooth brush to clean it up and not tell you.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

My Mouth and My Brain

Mouth and Brain. These two parts of my body do not always get along. If you ask my friends they will tell you there are days when they do not even communticate with one another.

I needed a place to drop my rants. I have a blog that I love, but I want to keep that for the sane me. For the girl who thinks before she speaks. That blog is about my family, children, and friends. The one that when someone asks if I blog I say yes and give them that web address. This one is purely for me. So that when I have verbal diaharrea I have somewhere to go. I am sure you will see, that I am really quite goofy on the inside. I have done a few things I am not proud of (something about a photo from a girls weekend is still floating out there) but that I really am a normal woman, mom and wife. Who just happens to write to get it all out.