Reality Check

I love when something comes a long and puts things in perspective for me. I think the good Lord knows when I need a reality check. And despite all that is whirling around me, TADA...it was on the Olympics last night.

Things around here lately have left me, let's say flustered. I am unable to focus. I have yet to accomplish anything I have started in the past week or so. Mostly because I have had a problem with the wandering mind. I have taken my Aunt's surgery much harder this time, than I did 18 months ago. I am edgy and easily irritated! So to catch the story of Joannie Rochette on last nights late news and Olympics replay, I had to fell a little guilty and a lot in awe of this amazing individual. I am sure she has been aiming for the Olympics forever. You don't just end up at the Olympics. Especially in Figure Skating. I think it may be one of the most cut-throat events there. So I realize that she must have been training for years. And then, just as you reach your moment, your time, you loose your mom. My heart breaks for her. And I am in awe that she can keep it all together and keep going. I imagine you would find me in a puddle on the floor. I needed her story to put all my crap in perspective. I needed her to show me(through the television) that you do what you have to do. Keep going and do what you came to do. After all, everyone in my life is okay. My Aunt pulled through her surgery with flying colors. My brother-in-law, despite a run of what I am calling BAD luck will be fine. I have no reason to stop functioning. Despite a wild desire to do so. I have been dealt bigger blows than this, and have pulled through, so why I ask myself is everything so much harder for me now. I think there are a few reason, some of which I am not willing to discuss in a public forum, and other that I am like, this one. I think one of the reasons things are more difficult for me to process now, is because I have kids. I am not blaming them , quite the contrary. I have to really look at things completely differently and break it down into the most basic of terms and emotions to be able to make sure that my overly analytical 5 year old and sweet 2 year old can understand them. I find myself, as I am sure most parents do, trying to take the load off them, and carry as much of it as I can, so that they have a chance to be kids and just enjoy their little lives. This is especially true of N. He is a big softie. He takes things very personal. I have had to sit down with him and explain that I may not like a behavior, but I always love him. And that talk happened when he was like 4ish. He cannot imagine that someone would try to hurt another person, it is entirely foreign to him. I want him to grow up to be strong, but also not to loose his gentleness. His inate abilily to understand others feelings and empathize with them. I think that may be one of his greatest gifts. But it can put his parents in a rough spot. He really wants to know why people do bad/weird things.......and I cannot offer an explanation for that! I wish I could.
So thank you to a brave and stoic Canadian woman who helped me to realize that I am so fortunate, and that no matter what I think I cannot handle, there is always something worse, and that put everything in perspective for me.

Emotionally Cooked

I am done. I am tired. I have a head cold. And I cannot endure one more minute at a hospital. While were in California a few weeks back my mom's oldest sister got sick. She had heart valve replacement surgery back in July of 2008. She recovered amazingly well. Better than we ever anticipated that she would. It was awesome. But she had a mini-stroke, out of the blue, and since she is on medication that really should basically prevent that from happening, it was a major concern for me. We got her into her doctor and they discovered that she needed the valve replaced. Again! And it was crappy! She had that surgery today, and I have been to see her and make sure she is okay. But I am really tired. Emotionally I am fried. I have taken this surgery a lot harder than I took the last one. I think my cousin put it best when she said that last time (in 2008) she was sooooooo very sick that we were all just feeling amazed that we got her back. This time she was not sick per-say. She looked great and was feeling pretty darn good. She was not having any symptoms that she was getting ill. I think that is a major reason why it was so hard for me. Combine that with the fact that my brother-in-law had surgery last week and that I have the tail end of a head cold from hell, I am just done. I think I could crawl into bed right now, and not wake up for a day or 2. Uhm, except for the fact that I have 2 kids who would NEVER allow that to happen.
So I guess what they say is true, even the toughest cookies crack at some point. I am ready to slow things down. The past year has been one big huge emotional hurdle after another, and I just don't know how much more I can take, before I am a bumbling, boobing, soppy, soggy heap on the floor. Thank heavens for a fantastic family who keep me going (even when I have no desire to do so), a husband who 14 years later is finally figuring me out............I think he has a road map and copious notes, and has actually been able to anticipate what I need before I can find the words to say it. He is amazing. I am so lucky to have him. And now, maybe a good long nap. HA!

The Great School Debate (in my head).

My 5 year old is going to be heading to school in the fall. Well, to be fair he is heading to kindergarten, he has spent the last 2 years at an amazing preschool, which has been fantastic. The problem is that the preschool is so good, I think N is going to be beyond bored at kindergarten. He has been learning to read through a great phonics program. He can identify all the letters and their sounds. He can write his first and last name and also his nickname. Currently he is working on learning to write his letters up to 20, and is cruising through the process. Needless to say he knows his colors, shapes, months and day of the week. I am afraid he is going to be WAY under challenged in "real" school. He is reading well, and will be on to the 2 vowel books in the next week or 2. So here is my dilemma.......what do I do? I am planning on enrolling him in public school and sending him to the kindergarten enhancement program that the preschool he is currently at offers. I am so afraid of loosing his love of learning. N loves to be challenged and to learn new things. He loves to try something new and to be proud of himself when he masters a concept, which to be fair (okay and maybe brag a bit) he does quickly. I know of a charter school here locally that I can try to get him into, but am unsure of their processes. I am planning on private school for 1st grade, the only reason I am steering clear of it his year is that it is all day kindergarten and I do not care for that. As an added issue for kindergarten, is the whole year round schedule thing, which I am so not accustomed to. I am feeling really confused and torn. I want to do what is best for the bug-bite. But what is that? This is one of those moments when being a parent is not a lot of fun. I feel like I could screw up his whole future if I make the wrong choice. So ya know, no pressure or anything!

Binky

My precious 2 year old little girl still has her binky. I hate that she has it, but am not looking forward to the whole process of taking it away. And with her it is going to be a process. You see A, is a bit too much like her momma. Stubborn, independent and fierce. She can out cry, out scream and stare you down. At the ripe old age of 2 she has that super hairy evil eye down! And a guilt trip like you cannot imagine! I am hoping that by telling her that we are giving them to my girlfriend who is pregnant, that we can con her out of them, but maybe not. You see I got the wild idea to snip the tip off one today. I figured maybe if it was "broko" she would not want it. I WAS WRONG! So very wrong. She screamed........fully bloody murder screamed, for almost an hour before we were able to stear her to a new subject. Dear Lord, please bring me strength. I created this monster (the binky problem, not the child {okay yes, I made the child too, but that is not the monster to which I am refering in this instance}) and I am going to be needing some guidance to get myself through. Just wanted to let you know, in case you hear the screaming all the way up there! Thanks....JM